Let go of shame
Brené Brown (who is THE researcher on shame and vulnerability) defines shame as the “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” Shame separates us. Empathy brings us together.
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Most people use shame to get other people to do what they want. You've probably had people shame you to get you to do something and you've probably done the same to others. It works. It gets people doing things. But it doesn't result in people feeling worthy and empowered. As you apply the principles of Processing Emotions to let go of shame, you'll set the stage to stop shaming others which is an important piece of Servant Leadership.
Let's Get to It! | Here's What to Do:
1 - Learn about Shame
2 - Process Your Shame
3 - Let Go of Shaming Others
Learning about the nature and nuances of shame will help you recognize it when it rears its head and motivate you to stop believing it and using it.
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We recommend starting with this TED Talk by Brené Brown:
After that, if you want to learn even more about shame, you can consume pretty much any book or video by Brené Brown and you'll receive a masterful education on the topic.
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Take notes on what you learn about shame. Write your own definition of shame in your own words. Consider sharing what you've learned with someone else.
Now that you have a working understanding of what shame is, you are ready to process the feelings of shame that you carry in your body.
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Get out a sheet of paper that you are going to destroy. Write down in detail every memory that comes to your head when you felt shame. Get it all out. No one else is going to read this so you don't need to worry about hurting anyone else's feelings. As you write with one hand, use your other hand to tap your sternum.
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Once you've written everything you can think to write at the moment, destroy the paper. Wash your hands. Then, put both hands on your heart and say, "I am worthy of love. I am lovable exactly as I am. I don't need to do or be anything more than what I'm doing and being to enjoy love, respect, and confidence."
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Take a deep breath then write down on a paper which you will not destroy everything you learned about shame and about yourself by doing this exercise.
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Most of us have experience a lot of shame during our lives. It is likely that you'll want to do this exercise or something similar to it multiple times over a period of weeks, months, or even years. You'll get there. Keep at this and you can gradually let go of shame.
As you let go of the shame you carry, it will be easier and easier to not use shame to get others to do things. You'll start noticing more quickly when your language and actions are shaming others. Accept Accountability for this. When you shame someone, apologize and ask how you can make it better. Assure people that they are worthy of love because they are.
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Figure out ways to invite people to do virtuous things without using shame. Empathy is the opposite of shame. As you develop the ability to ask people questions that help them realize how their actions are affecting others, you will be more likely to help people change their harmful behavior without shaming them.
More on empathetic questions
When you see that someone has done something that harmed someone else, you can ask them questions like these to help them accept accountability without shame:
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> If we recorded what happened with a video camera, what would we see and hear?
> How did what happened affect you?
> How did it affect the other person/people involved?
> What can you do to make it better?
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You can ask the person who was harmed similar questions:
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> If we recorded what happened with a video camera, what would we see and hear?
> How did what happened affect you?
> How did it affect the other person/people involved?
> What can the other person do to make this better for you?
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It is valuable for the two parties to hear the answers to each other's questions, face-to-face or through a mediator.
